No Regrets

I am trying to figure out how to deal with the death of a dog that is still alive. Alive, and from what we can tell, feeling pretty great thanks to the Prednisone. I honestly have no idea how to do this. He is right here in front of me. I can still touch him, talk to him, play with him. But I know it is all temporary, and we have no idea how long this part will last. I can only hope that we have months instead of weeks with him, but nothing is promised to us at this point. We just have to take advantage of the time we have right now.

I never deal well with loss. I never have. I get so attached to things the way they are, and when change happens, I usually freak out. I have a hard time saying goodbye, even if I know it's not 'the end'. But this time it is. I really don't know how to process that right now. I do realize that I just need to spend as much time as I can with Charley, and take a lot of video and pictures. Some day I will get to tell Keaton all about Charley, and I will have some really fun stories to tell. I wish more of them would include Keaton, but I understand that it's not meant to be. We are just thankful that we've had Charley this long, and have so many stories to tell.

Spoiling Charley yesterday was very bittersweet. I dropped Keaton off at the babysitter, and found myself second guessing the decision to leave him... then I realized that I need to do this, both for myself and for Charley, so I pushed the guilt out of my head and tried to enjoy myself. It was really hard, though. I let Charley be my co-pilot, like old times. It was a little tough looking over at him, remembering all the times he'd sat there with me before, making people smile when we stopped at stop lights. Licking the window. Drooling if I got fast food, and begging for french fries. Scaring the crap out of car hops at Sonic, to the point that they wouldn't bring us our food. Haha... for a dog that might look intimidating, all you have to see is his back half wiggling and most people knew he wouldn't hurt them. I will miss that wiggly butt.

Anyway, I took him to downtown Naperville to Two Bostons, and got him a birthday cake for his 6th birthday this Saturday. The hard part was when people would see him and say, "How are you, Charley Brown?" and I would burst into tears. The same thing happened when I took him to Petsmart to see 'his people'. I cried off and on all day yesterday, as I knew I would. It was tough because so many people are attached to him... I guess it's comforting to have so many other people grieving with us. It makes it a little easier, but not much.

So I guess all I can do at this point is just try to be realistic, but still enjoy every moment with him that I'm blessed to have. Looking back at times I've dealt with loss, guilt is something I always feel. I always wish I would have spent more time with them. Now that I have it, my goal is to do all that I can so I will have no regrets.

-Ashley