I have never been good at asking for help. Ever. I struggle with letting down my pride and facing the fact that I am not Superwoman and never have been. I'm a little slow on the uptake when it comes to learning from past events, too. I make the same mistake over and over until I finally realize I am making myself miserable. Then add to the fact that I can talk and talk and talk, but when it comes to the really important things, the things that REALLY matter, I shut up. For once. This is something I'm really struggling with right now, and my poor husband is putting up with a lot.
I don't normally like to air dirty laundry on this blog, but something is definitely wrong with me when I can have a discussion with him for over an hour about listening and understanding, and then when the conversation is over I do exactly the opposite of what we just talked about, without even realizing I'm doing it. So much for listening and understanding.
I realize (finally) that although I have made attempts at fixing things, I am never consistent enough to stick with it, and I'm back where I started. I made an appointment on Friday to see my doctor and find out possible strategies for trying to get back to the person I used to be. I have a lot of work to do, and I have put this off long enough. I feel like I just need guidance because I'm sabotaging myself, and I don't want Keaton to learn my bad habits and grow up with an unstable mom. It almost seems like I'm at my lowest right now, right when Keaton is really starting to observe it all, and that scares me. I will do it for him, and for Casey who puts up with more than he should from me. I know it will be worth it, so I have to swallow my pride, face my fears, and really get to the bottom if this thing. Scary how things like this can sneak up on you.
So that's what's new in my world. I'm going to ask for help. Here goes nothing...
-Ash
4 comments:
So there's this quote from Prozac Nation, a kinda weird movie/book that I didn't really love, but I love the quote:
"Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits."
I think it's so true about everything, depression or stress or anything. Gradually, then suddenly.
I'm thinking of you and I know that you will be okay. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Here's another one that I love that I can't hear enough:
"There is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - A.A. Milne
Ashley,
You are very strong and brave for being able to realize and admit what's going on. I hope you get the help you need and always know I'm here to listen. If there's anything I can do, miles away, let me know. In the meantime, hang in there, it can only get better. You're an amazing wife, mother, and friend. We all have our ups and downs, some worse than others, but you're already taking the first step to making things better. Keep your chin up, as much as possible. You'll get through it, I know it!
I'm so sorry that you've been feeling this way Ash! Being a new mother myself, I know that I'm more anxious and on edge than ever (and I cry and obsess over nothing as well) so I sympathize with you. Please let me know if there's anything that I can do to help - I'm ll ears if you need to vent. Love you!
You are perfectly normal feeling this way. Really.
Maybe it will help to know you're not the only mother to feel this. So very many others (myself included have too). It's okay to ask for help.
Read this: http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com
You are not alone and you can get through this even if you do require help, everyone does at some point in their life.
Be strong.
-Abby
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