Confession.

It's taken me a bit of time to figure this out, and then to admit it, but I think I am going through a bit of Postpartum Depression. It didn't really hit me until this past week, but another friend mentioned it and the way she'd been feeling. I realized, after looking at my life a little more critically, that I've been fooling myself into thinking that everything is okay, and it's really not. I mean, it WILL be, but I think putting all the pieces together really made me step back and realize that I feel different, and not in a good way.

I'm tired all the time. I make excuses not to leave the house. I feel like I'm becoming someone that I really don't like. I don't have a filter anymore and feel like I offend people whenever I talk now. I feel selfish, lazy, and pretty much worthless sometimes. And some days I feel great and don't have a complaint in the world. Those are normally days when Keaton is really happy and smiley, because let's face it, it's tough not to be happy during those times. But I realize that I could do more, and I just don't. So I'd like to think that writing this and putting it out into the world will motivate me to do something about it. Casey and Keaton (and Charley, for that matter) don't deserve to have someone around that's like this. I'm either highly emotional and anxious, or emotionally checked out... there seems to be no happy medium.

Anxiety is something I have struggled with my entire life. I remember being terrified of storms as a kid, and scaring my classmates because I was so freaked out. I had to sit out in the hall once because I was nervous. I was always afraid something would happen to my family and I would be alone. Not really sure where that fear came from, but it was tough to get under control. (Now I love storms, go figure!)

In college, I started getting panic attacks, and was so nervous once that my face broke out in hives. Most of that stemmed from a Public Speaking class and a very intimidating couple of teachers. All of these things have been outside sources that I don't really have control over, but I let them take over my life somehow. I do the same thing now, especially with Keaton. I think of things that could happen to him, even if they aren't logical, and freak myself out. I am afraid something is going to happen to him. Casey tells me to worry about things that I can control. That's logical, and from what I can tell, a good bit of advice. It's just actually DOING it that's tough.

So I figured it would be best to blog about what's really been on my mind lately. When I feel like I have a ton on my mind but nothing to write about, it is normally because I'm worrying about something and letting it clog up my brain. I just want to say, for the record, that I know I will be okay, so I hope I haven't worried anyone (acknowledging that my parents are reading this right now). I have an awesome support system, and will do it because they deserve a fun and happy mom and wife as opposed to an anxiety-ridden, mopey person letting things get in the way. This Too Shall Pass.

-Ash