Thought Overload

I think that when I wake up in the morning when Casey's alarm goes off... normally somewhere around 4:15 or so... and I have to roll out of bed (not literally yet, but soon!) because I have to pee... I should just go write in this blog. Because I lay there, for sometimes over an hour, and think. About all kinds of things. Some possibly logical. Mostly random and sometimes anxiety-inducing. But that's just how my brain works, and I've gotten fairly used to it.

Some of the things swimming through my head right now are the same things I've been thinking since Monday afternoon: How on Earth am I going to carry these too little kiddos inside me, especially for as long as they need to be in there?? I think that really is the thing that is the scariest right now. It's not about raising twins, because I'll worry about that when they are born. It's about getting them to the point where they are healthy enough to come out. I do realize the probability that I will end up on bed rest. I also realize that they will most likely come earlier than March 25th, I'm just hoping not too much earlier. Then I think about February and how Keaton's 3rd birthday might be affected. I know that Keaton is going to be an awesome big brother, but I also want to be sensitive to the fact that it is hard to be seen as an individual when you have twin siblings who get a large chunk of attention. Balancing time with him, allowing him to have alone time with each of us, and allowing him to help but not pushing him too hard.

It makes me teary-eyed to think about Keaton and how wonderful he has been. Really, I couldn't have asked for a better child. He is a smart, funny, independent, inquisitive, lively little man. His siblings are going to be so lucky to have him for an older brother. I'm not sure if all parents who have more than one child go through this, but I feel a tiny bit guilty knowing that we won't have our Mommy/Keaton time the way it is now. Please don't get me wrong, I am very happy and excited that he's going to have siblings! I just want to be sure to keep our bond strong, and I don't want him to feel left out. Admittedly, I am not the best at balancing things, but what better time to learn than now, right?

I do know that I tend to worry about things I can't control, so this may be very far-fetched... I just can't seem to get it out of my head. So why not blog about it? Ha. If there's one thing I have learned in the almost 31 years of existence, it's that I'm better off getting things out than letting them build up inside. So anyway... it's random, it's probably a little illogical, but there it is. All I can do is try my best, and take care of myself, and hope that everything goes well. A friend told me to "hope for the best, but expect the worst". I think the biggest thing for me, the chronic worrier, is not letting the worst get the better of me. So I'm going to enjoy my time with the current boys in my house, and take it one day at a time.

Now I'm going to work on my new License to Eat- Platinum Edition. Gotta stretch out this tummy so "Yin and Yang" have more space in there to grow. :)

-Ash