31 years, 21 weeks...

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days around here. Casey had Monday off, so we spent the day running around with various appointments and meetings. I had my check-up at Maternal Fetal Medicine in the early afternoon, which was basically a check of my cervix (to make sure it was staying 'long') and a check on the fluid levels for the boys. Well, the boys look good. They are growing a lot, and we got some additional pictures of them- this time in 3D/4D. Pretty neat. One was even smacking the other in the face! Their levels looked fine, and they appear to be right on track.

What was not on track was my darn cervix. I went from 3.5 cm a few weeks ago, to 2.1 cm. This means that because my cervix is getting thinner, the boys have a much higher chance of coming out early. The doctor decided to monitor me for contractions, and to my surprise, I had two small ones while in the office. This is obviously not good news. He started me on two different types of medications- one to control the contractions and hopefully slow them down or stop them altogether, and another to keep the cervix where it is. If that doesn't work, I will go back in for a cerclage (where they suture my cervix closed to prevent the babies from coming out early). There are studies done with both of these methods, but not many done with twins, so it's kind of up in the air right now about what we will do. I go in tomorrow to find out for sure if the meds worked, and see what happens from there. I know I had more contractions yesterday (none were painful, just a tightening of my stomach every once in awhile) and I think I may have had one earlier, but they seem to be at least slowing down now. I am surprised I didn't know I was even having them before. I honestly thought if my stomach was a little tight, it was either because the boys were stretching, or because there simply isn't a lot of give in my tummy region right now. Who knows.

What I do know right now is that I'm emotional, scared, and unsure of what's ahead of us. It looks like going back to Kansas for Christmas is out of the question this year, though. I'm really glad I got to go back last week. As for the babies, the doctor said that it is crucial that they make it to the 24 week mark (3 weeks from now). If they can make it past that, they have a lot smaller chance of having serious health problems for the rest of their lives. Ideally, 28 weeks is where we want to be, and of course longer, if possible. 28 weeks is right around the New Year. I hope they at least make it to 2013 before making any kind of appearance, no matter what that may mean for me physically. Even being on partial bedrest is absolutely no fun, especially with a toddler and puppy. But I'm doing what I have to do. Not lifting, not going fast, and pretty much sitting around eating and drinking while Keaton and Riese run around. Keaton has been pretty good so far about understanding that I can't lift him. He gets himself in and out of his car seat, and crawls up in my lap at story time. He's fussed a bit, but I can normally talk him into cooperating with me. I'm glad he's already so independent.

I guess I forgot to mention that yesterday was my 31st birthday. It was kind of a strange one. If it weren't for all of the birthday love I received through friends here, calls from home, and the 150+ Facebook messages I got to read, I'm sure I would have been out of sorts yesterday. My friend Janine brought me hot chocolate, a bouquet of flowers, a beautiful card, and almost a roll of tape to "keep the babies in" which made me laugh hysterically (if only it would work!!!). My friend and neighbor Val came over and brought me lunch, then took Riese on a walk last night. It was a good day, all things considered. Casey has been in Massachusetts on business since yesterday morning, but he called me several times, and sent me a very pretty bouquet of roses. Keaton had school, and probably the downside of the day was when I went to pick him up and he threw a fit. He really didn't want to leave. He yelled at me, hit at me, and cried. And I think because of everything going on, the medicines I'm taking, and the fact that I missed him and wanted him with me, I ended up crying too. At school. In front of the teachers. It was embarrassing, but I know his head teacher understood. I just can't seem to control it right now, and have almost lost it several times over the last few days. Not to mention the fact that I retired my coat yesterday and put on the maternity coat, which still had little pieces of Charley hair on it. That was enough to make me tear up yesterday. Ugh... hormones. Emotions. The feeling of being out of control of a situation and not knowing how things are going to pan out. I'm overwhelmed.

So anyway, I'm 31 years old, 21 weeks pregnant, and completely unsure of what the future holds right now. I don't want anything more than to keep these little guys in as long as possible. And I hate that it probably means having friends and family stop what they are doing and come help us, but I have learned through this that it just needs to be done. I may not be able to pay everyone back for the kindness and concern they have shown us, but I will certainly try to when it's all said and done. I just want the two littlest Hetricks to be okay, and wish that I knew that were a certain thing. Everything is up in the air right now, and I know worrying about it will not help at all... so I sit here, kind of a prisoner of my own thoughts... pushing away the bad thoughts no matter now many times they keep creeping back in... picturing my goal of two very healthy little boys running around and terrorizing their dog and older brother... the chaos that I knew would come with all of this, but the ability to smile about it and know that we got past it all. I sincerely hope for that. And although I tend to joke about having a 'two kid plan' and now we are finishing the basement, looking at minivans, and sort of in one of the craziest points of our lives- that is exactly what I want. I want these two little boys so badly now, especially after seeing their faces again and again (and realizing how much they look like Keaton)... I want it all. The chaos. The sleepless nights. Figuring out how to feed two boys at once. I want all of it. And I'm going to do my best to be sure that it happens. If I get one wish for my 31st birthday, it is that I will have two healthy little boys sometime this year... no matter if it is sooner or later, I just want it to be true.

Love,

Ash