The Lows

I like to believe that I'm a fairly optimistic person, in general. Sure, I have times where my anxiety gets the better of me and I see more of a realistic/pessimistic view of the world, but the spirit within me would rather laugh, dance, and have fun. Unfortunately, I'm at a pretty low point this week. I will apologize in advance, but writing is therapeutic to me, and I feel like I really just need to get this out.

Here's the truth of it. Bed rest really sucks. It is not just laying around, relaxing, sleeping whenever you want. It's trying to stay as comfortable as possible, feeling like a nag because you have to ask for everything you want, feeling guilty when things aren't quite the way you'd like them to be. It's rolling- literally- out of bed when you have to go to the bathroom. It's waking up every hour or two because your hips go numb or you have to pee, or both. It's trying not to go crazy because you have so much free time to think about everything going on around you that you don't have much, if any, control over. It's not being able to sit upright, and spilling food all over yourself. It's heartburn and acid reflux. It's attempting to be a parent while lying down, and realizing how much or little your child actually listens to you. It's arguing with your spouse or other loved ones. It's making sure you get up often enough not to get blood clots in your legs. It's becoming dependent on technology to entertain you (when you get bored easily like I do and don't get as motivated to do crafty things... I've tried... it's not working!). It's when you try so hard not to be disappointed in people, but being surprised when friends tell you they will do something and then do not follow through over and over again. It's finding out who keeps their word and who doesn't. It's trying so hard to be optimistic, and being so glad to still be pregnant... but then feeling selfish when you can't wait for this part to be over. All I really want are two healthy babies. I will do this as long as it takes. But if next week is anything like the last one, it's going to be the hardest thing I've done so far in life.

I have a hard time remembering days right now, so this week is a little fuzzy. I don't remember what Monday consisted of, but Tuesday was the day that I went in for the 3 hour glucose test because I failed the first. I had to fast from midnight Tuesday, and my appointment was at 10 that morning. I was starving before I even got the appointment. The nurse set me up in a nice room right across from the bathroom. I was able to chat with nurses and hear them gossip, which was a decent way to pass the time. As soon as I got in the room, the nurse took my blood, and I had to chug this super sweet drink that tasted like flat Sprite (which has made me not want Sprite again). One hour later, another poke with the needle. Another hour, another vile of blood. I got up to go to the bathroom again, and when I came back, a rather grumpy nurse met me at the door and asked me what I was doing in the room. I told her, and she decided that I needed to move to another room because she needed it for another patient. Excuse me, aren't I a patient, too? I barely had any time left, could she not have used another room? Even my original nurse came in and tried to help, but grumpy nurse overruled her. I got set up in a room pretty far away from everything, but decided to make the most of it. My nurse came back in and took one last vile of blood, and I was free to go- at around 1:15. They said I would find out the results one way or the other on Wednesday, between 10 and 4. So we splurged on Burger King for lunch just in case I failed and couldn't have it again for awhile.

Wednesday came, and by 3:50 I hadn't yet heard back about the results, so I called the office. Everyone was gone. I called the triage nurse line, but they were gone, too. I tried one more number, but no answer, and no answering machine. I was pissed. I decided that hopefully no news is good news, so I would wait until my OB appointment the next afternoon and find out.

Thursday we went to the MFM doctors again. The boys got their growth check and are both over 2 pounds now!! They are small, but on track. I don't have to go back to that office for 3 more weeks, which is strange because I've been seeing them weekly since week 21. (We'll be at 30 weeks on Monday!) Still can't believe I've been on bed rest for almost 9 weeks now. I don't want to even look at it that way because it's a little depressing, but we have also come a LONG way.

Anyway, Mom and I grabbed lunch and then headed to my OB's office. The nurse and nurse practitioner were very nice. While the nurse took my blood pressure, I inquired about the results for the glucose test. She said she figured if they never called me, it would be good news. So when my nurse practitioner came in and found out that I didn't know yet, she went out and made some phone calls. Came back with the news: I do indeed have Gestational Diabetes. I was so pissed off/disappointed that I just started crying. It is just another instance where they have dropped the ball. I had to be the one to remind them BOTH TIMES of the test and results for it. So they jabbed me again with the needle (at this point I look like I do drugs, for sure.. my arms have all kinds of poke marks and bruises). They said I would get a call from a Diabetic counselor sometime that day.

Sure enough, about 20 minutes after I got home from the appointment, my counselor called. She said that she wasn't sure what my doctors would like me to do since I'm on bed rest and can't easily come in to do 'training' with the glucometer and test strips, etc., so she was going to call and consult with them and give me a call on Friday. Friday came and went. Around 4, I called her office...everyone had gone home for the weekend. At this point I'm beyond pissed. I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point, besides read things online about managing a diet for GD, and trying to monitor what I'm eating on my own. I won't know how it's really affecting my blood sugar, but I can at least try to take strides to manage it. Especially if no one is going to follow through and help me right now.

So, that's pretty much what's going on. Things around the house aren't going great, either... but hopefully it'll be over soon. Keaton is running a fever today, and all we want to do is cuddle together, but I can't risk getting sick. All I want to do is hold my baby boy. Instead I'm hiding in my bedroom in hopes of avoiding it altogether. :(

Damn, what a downer of a blog entry. I'm sorry everyone. It does feel better to get it out, but hopefully I didn't bring anyone down with me. Just take this with you: If someone is on bed rest, please don't tell them how lucky they are to be there, or maybe even how sorry you feel for them because they are. Also, if you tell someone on bed rest that you will come visit/bring food over/whatever, try to follow through with it. It may be out of your control, but after the second or third time cancelling, it feels like avoidance. Encouragement about still being pregnant is a great thing- I always appreciate that.Encouragement in general is wonderful, and probably one of the things I appreciate the most. Anything else is a perk, really.

I wouldn't wish this part on anyone. I know it'll be worth it in the end, because if I didn't think about that part, I would be completely depressed. So for now I'm just going to try to take each day and hope for the best, and allow myself to feel sad when I need to, but try not to wallow in it. I'm thankful to be 29 and 5. I'm thankful that the boys have a good and reliable doctor, and that they are growing well. I'm thankful again that this is all just temporary.

I'm going to write another entry soon- maybe even today- with the newest Keatonisms. They will definitely be more exciting to read than this was! I'm sorry again.

-Ash