The Dancing 'Nut, and Self Doubt

Another Sunday at work. I will not really miss these. :)

On a lighter note, this morning Peanut has been pretty much dancing in my tummy, so much so that I started laughing out loud because it TICKLES! I had Dunkin Donuts coffee... pretty sure it's decaf... and one of the agents was playing Creedance. Suddenly The Nut starts flipping around more than it ever has! It's a very cool, weird feeling. Peanut still hangs out on the left side, which is interesting to me. When we went to the Doc on Wednesday, they always look for the heartbeat, and the nurse couldn't find it. When I pointed out that it likes to hang out on the lower left side, there it was! Even as I type this, it is dancing around a bit. :) Very cool. :)

So last night, Casey and I decided to check out Target and Babies R Us to see what sort of things we should be thinking about for the kid. Target was a good place to start, because it was pretty contained and slightly less overwhelming. We went down the street to B.R.U., and dang if it wasn't intimidating! There is so much to think about!! Definitely trying to figure out the crib situation first, because apparently it takes awhile to order and ship it here. Another thing is the theme of the room. Since we are not finding out the sex (sorry Mom!!) we are looking at neutral themes, and settling on one is tough. I still like the Classic Winnie the Pooh, and there are some animal themes we saw last night that were cute. Now it's a matter of narrowing down the idea and starting to register. Again, a little overwhelming, but I'm planning to ask more of the girls I know who have had kids recently and see what they would put on a Must Have list.

Other than baby stuff, we're just continuing to keep busy. Casey's family is coming to visit next weekend, mainly to help with the basement and also to check out the Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science & Industry before it closes on the 27th. Oh, and to take some more Senior pics for Les. The weekend after that, I'm going to a baby shower for one of the girls at work. That brings us into October, which is sure to be insane!! We have the 20 week ultrasound on October 13th. Who knows what we are doing for Halloween this year. How can summer already be over?! I am freaking out!!

Between working, school, and weekend activities, time is really starting to fly by. There have been a few moments where I've allowed myself to step back for a second and actually think about all the things that are going on and what I need to do in the very near future, and I have to say that I'd rather stay busy and distracted right now. I am plagued with "What If's" concerning the baby, and I can't allow myself to worry too much about it, because a lot of it is out of my control. Self doubt is something I have spent almost 28 years struggling with, and still haven't managed to fully overcome. I feel like I can be one person at work, and then go home and be someone totally different- someone I don't really respect. I feel lazy and unmotivated. I really hope it's just a phase. It almost has to be, because when the baby arrives, I will be doing a lot more than I ever have, and there's no time to be like this anymore. Time to grow up! And from what I can see, I definitely need it.

I try to be realistic about things, and I think for the most part I am. There is this weird hurdle I have between knowing what I need to do, and actually doing it. To other people, it sometimes comes off as though I don't care, and that is the part that I hate. I really DO care, I just procrastinate too much and end up putting things off, usually until I don't have a choice and just have to do them. Then things don't turn out as neat and 'perfect' as I want them to be, and I get down on myself. It's a vicious cycle. When I get down on myself, I literally shut down, and then nothing gets done. So, I pretty much don't do anything, ever. Or so it seems. But I am ready for all of it to change. I think that is a step in the right direction, at least. The trick is going to be to actually DO IT. Nike had a good slogan, and it gets stuck in my head every once in awhile... just not often enough to increase my motivation as much as I would like it to.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going on and on about how little I get done, and then I realize that I'm blogging at work (again) and I should probably be more productive. Irony is also a big part of my life, and I seem to figure this out more often these days. Then I blog about it. Hopefully my sarcasm, and my momentary preoccupation with self doubt has not scared you away. Everyone has times like this, and I just need to come back and reread this every once in awhile so I can put things into perspective. I guess that's part of being human. And a woman. And pregnant. Yay for over-thinking!

-Ash