It's hard to believe this is the last day of the year. 2009 has been a good one, and I'm really looking forward to 2010. I have no idea what kinds of things I will be able to say this time next year, but I should have a little kid toddling around a year from now. I wonder what they will look and act like. I wonder if I'll be back in school yet. I wonder if I'll miss working, or will be fully enjoying Mommyhood and not thinking twice about a paycheck. I wonder what Casey will be doing at BP this time next year. I wonder if Charley will enjoy having a toddler around (and I would imagine so, since that will mean that more food ends up on the floor for him to eat!). Crazy to know that I'm right on the edge of a year full of change. I think I'm starting to actually be ready for it.I can now say that I do indeed have a little kid toddling around now, which is crazy. He looks and acts just like his Daddy in a lot of ways (but has my facial expressions, which is pretty entertaining at times!). I am not back in school yet, and while I think about going back, I am not quite ready yet. I don't miss working much at all. I do think about paychecks sometimes, but only occasionally. Casey and BP are still in a relationship, and I think it's still a good one, so no complaints there- even with the year the company has had. It hasn't been easy for him, even though he doesn't work directly with everything that happened in the Gulf. Work keeps him busy, and stressed, but he seems to be handling it well. I am very proud of him for how hard he works to make sure I can stay home with Keaton and that we are all taken care of... he really works his tail off, and always has.
So I read that paragraph from one year ago, and of course the biggest thing missing is Charley Brown. I don't know how many times I've written about how much he would love this time in Keaton's life, but I'm 110% sure of it. I still picture him sitting under Keaton's high chair, waiting for food to fall. They both would have loved that. I can see Charley standing by Keaton as he learns to walk. Maybe it's just Charley's spirit that's here with me, reminding me of what life would be like if Lymphoma had not come reared its ugly head. I don't mean to torture myself, I just imagine what could have been. But now I look on to 2011, and all of the questions and unknowns that it brings. I had a pretty good idea of how things would look now, but next year is a mystery. Keaton will be almost 2. We may or may not have a new dog. We may or may not be living in Plainfield. Who knows?
I do know that 2010 was the most incredible, emotional, life-changing year of my life, and I look forward to what's to come.
-Ash
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