26 weeks! Staying Positive.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Casey, Keaton, and Mom came in the morning, brought me donuts, and kept me company. Mr. K hasn’t been feeling well this week, so he was rather grumpy and didn’t want to sit with me. And because of all of the things going on around here- kids being shot and killed in their schools, me being away and just wanting to hold Keaton… this stung. I know he’s not quite 3 and he doesn’t understand what’s going on, but I also know that he didn’t want to be with me, and it made me sad. Crying session #1. He finally came around and then we cuddled for a while, which was just what I needed. I am not sure if he’s just scared about the environment I’m in, or just doesn’t feel well… who knows. But we made it work.

They left and I went in to use the bathroom, and when I came out I had a pleasant surprise- Mom had stayed behind to hang out with me! She spent most of the day here, which was really nice. She got to meet my amazing nurse Johanna, and all three of us cried together at one point as we talked about NICU babies, loss, and coping with it all. Johanna has been through all of it before, and she’s also got the medical point of view, so I think she may have been exactly who Mom and I needed for support. I miss her already… I have ‘grumpy nurse’ today (please know she’s really not that grumpy, but if you compare her to the others I’ve had, she’s less chatty). They are all nice so far. Last night I had Jean, who was the cutest little older lady nurse I’ve ever seen. They call her “Grandma Jean”. She was adorable. The boys gave her a hard time on the monitors again, and at one point the poor woman had both monitors wrapped around me, then had a big ball of Velcro to prop up one monitor, and tried using a roll of tape to prop up the monitor for Baby B as he tried to hide behind my ribcage. That hurt like HELL. Every time I would breathe in, the tape would dig into my ribs… and I was supposed to sit like that for an HOUR. Luckily the little guy decided to move down, and the tape torture only lasted about 3-5 minutes. They stayed still on the monitors for 15 minutes, then moved around and she had to come back in and readjust. Poor lady! I don’t even feel that sorry for myself in those types of situations, because I have no control over where the boys decide to hide out, and for how long. I just roll with it. Everything is temporary right now. Every time I am going through something that really sucks, or I am about to get super anxious, I try to put it in that perspective.

Perks of yesterday were the following: I got my IV off!! I’m on oral meds now, and so far those seem to be doing the trick. If I can behave myself, maybe I’ll get to be free of it for an extended period of time. Right now, every minute without it is a blessing. I only have to unhook the fetal monitor from the machine every time I have to go the  bathroom now, and not drag the IV stand with me every time. It’s a nice change. I also have freedom to move my arm around and not worry about snagging the line. I got a fresh change of clothes, another massage, got a lot of my Christmas cards addressed (thanks to Mom), and got to see Keaton and Casey again in the evening. Keaton was still pretty moody, but when he was happy, he was FULL OF IT. He said so many funny things last night, I think I had a contraction or two from laughing. (Literally… but that in itself makes me laugh.) Here are just a few of the things that were on Keaton’s mind last night:

“I think the babies names are Mickey Applejuice. And Deadmaus Applejuice Hetrick. Okay? Write that down.” He also decided that Happy (the fish)’s middle name should be Apple Juice. LOL…. And one random thing he said that made me laugh was, “This is hand sas-it-tizer?” Not sure what I would do without that little kid… he cracks me up on a regular basis.

SOOOOOO…. I just got my cervix checked. It luckily hasn’t changed from last week- we’re at .8 now. That is super short, but it’s still closed, and the fact that I’ve been through a ton of things in the last six days and it’s stayed the same is a very good thing!! I am so thankful for that right now. I know that anything could change at any given moment, but at this moment I am as stable. I want to laugh every time I think of being ‘stable’, too… because I’m constantly contracting and can’t leave the hospital, so it’s all relative. I am still waiting to see my MFM doctor today and see what they say, but I know that because my cervix has stayed the same, I am not expecting to hear drastically terrible news. I’m staying optimistic. There are moments when I’m totally thrown off and start to panic. Yesterday morning it hit me that I have to give birth at some point. I had this panic moment when I was in the bathroom and I looked in the mirror thought, “This is my reality. I am pregnant, with twins, and my body isn’t cooperating. And at some point I’m going to be in labor, and then there will be whatever happens with the NICU…” All of these thoughts happened at once. Talk about overwhelming. But then I get to step back and realize that, for now, I am still pregnant. For every day they stay in the womb, it’s three less days in the NICU (according to Grandma Jean). I’m at 26 weeks now. I don’t have an IV. I can change clothes and go to the bathroom by myself. My bed rest perspective may be one of the best I’ve ever had. I don’t want to sit here and be miserable. I don’t want to cry and cause a contraction. I just want to sit here, enjoy the little things that I am able to see and do, and be big and pregnant. I want to be pleasant with the nurses and doctors, and have so much more respect than I even did before for what they do. I may have a different attitude about that if they were mean, rude, etc- but so far they haven’t been. I feel blessed. I can even say that this experience has brought me, a person who has never been very religious, a lot closer to God. I can’t help but feel like there is a strong presence in my life right now, and I think even though I shy away from things that are super religious or preachy, I think that I am being protected right now, and there is a plan. So that’s enough of that. But that’s one reason why my spirits are high right now. (I know they are giving me a lot of meds, and I don’t think that ‘happy pills’ are in the mix, but you never know… I’ve been pretty high and low here, but mostly high. Not ‘high’. You know what I’m sayin’.)

Here’s a list, before I forget, of the meds I’ve had while I’ve been here… just for future reference:

Magnesium drip (Sucked!!!!!!)

Procardia (the thing that seems to keep my contractions in check the most)

Indocin (can’t take any more doses now… I’m at my limit for fear of problems for the boys. But it worked while I could take it!)

Ampicillin (for positive bacterial infection, same one that I had when in labor with Keaton- very common)

Progesterone, the lovely thing that is keeping me pregnant. It’s apparently the most common drug for pregnant moms in my condition, because your body is supposed to  produce a certain amount of progesterone when you are pregnant, and it helps the body remain that way and is supposed to reduce the chance of shedding the lining of your uterus. I *think* it’s also the thing that shows up when you pee on the stick to tell that you are pregnant. I am learning a lot here. I just hope that I’m conveying it correctly… I’m not in med school and don’t plan to be, so I’m sure I’m understating things that the different medicines do.. this is just my understanding of it all.

Blah blah blah… I feel like I can’t stop words from coming out right now. I know that’s what blogs are for… but dang. Sorry, guys. I lay here and just have so much going on in my mind and I can’t seem to get it all out. Is anyone still reading this? You’re a trooper. ;-)

On that note, I’ll stop for now. I will certainly have more to update later as I ride this crazy rollercoaster of hospital bed rest.

-Ash