Oh, I have tried SO HARD to stay positive through this whole thing. Really, I have. But it's starting to get the better of me the past week. I don't know if it's been all the trouble with the doctor, or tensions at home, but I really just feel stuck. I want to live my life again instead of having to depend on others to do things for me. I want to be able to get out and get away if I'm stressed. But I can't. And that really sucks sometimes.
I honestly don't have a clue how I'm going to do all of this when I'm actually able to, which is the kicker. I feel like the house and life is staying afloat because Casey is working and fixing things when he gets home, Mom is doing everything else, and Keaton is at school. I don't know how you add two more boys to the equation and then subtract my Mom from it, and it works out okay. How do you do housework, short of hiring someone to come do it? And then raise three children and try not to murder the dog in the process? I feel guilty that I don't know how to balance it all, and it's just going to get harder. It is not healthy for my Mom to stay here much longer after the babies are born. She has done more than enough and I can't ask more from her because the boys here currently are completely wearing her out. It's not her fault, it's just a lot to ask of anyone. Sometimes I just don't know what the solution is going to be. I am stressed out and probably shouldn't blog while I'm trying to sort it all out. I hope this is as hard as it gets. I know there are going to be times ahead that are difficult, but I'm not sure what the circumstances will be, and hopefully there will be a clearer solution. I guess I'm just scared. Sometimes I wonder how I will do this, let alone do it well. Argh. I'm sorry. I'm not looking for pity. Maybe just prayers.
Ash
2 comments:
That's a lot to worry about, for sure. You'll do it and I don't know exactly how but you will, just one day at a time. It's like how, do you ever think about how single moms do it? Even with just one kid? I think about them when I have really hard days and I just shake my head in wonder and awe that they do all of it every single day, some of them with really no one but themselves and their kid. But they do it a day at a time, and they do what they have to do, and it works. You'll do that too, with the babies and Keaton and Casey and your mom back home. It's got to be really hard because you don't know how you'll do it right now, but you really will. You'll all find a rhythm and rely on your friends there for help, and it'll be ok.
Thank you Chelsea! I appreciate your support so much. Man, this post was probably the lowest point I've had so far on bed rest, minus the stint on Magnesium. We are getting there. Thanks again!!
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