Whatifs & Worry

I think I'm going to attempt to start blogging at night, right before I go to bed. I tend to have a lot of crap on my mind at night, and I toss and turn for 30+ minutes thinking and overthinking about... well... everything. Keaton. Things I said. Things other people said. Keaton. Casey. Things I didn't do but needed to. Things I did but didn't need to. Keaton. I can worry about anything and everything, and tend to do it nightly. It reminds me of the Shel Silverstein poem:

Whatif
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

 I wish I could just turn my brain OFF at night. Sometimes I think of numbers and end up doing random math in my head, and when I try to think about what I was counting, I can't remember it at all. Funny thing about that is, I can NOT do math well at all during the day. It's almost like I have to lay down, close my eyes, and picture it in my head. Probably more about me than you wanted to know, but if you're reading this... maybe you did want to know? Hmmm...

I've been in a very selfish mood lately. I guess more so than normal. I can't focus on a damn thing right now, and it's really starting to get to me. It's also affecting my relationships with other people because my attention span is non-existent. I tend to go into my own little world and not come out for awhile. It could be the winter weather, hormone changes, or just a little bout of depression, but I will be VERY glad when it's over. Just tired of being so lost inside my head right now.

Luckily Keaton has been a nice distraction. His newest 'milestones' include waving at everything (especially Casey!), and we're about 99% sure he said "Hi" today. It was very clear, 2 or 3 different times. I thought I heard him say "baby" the other day while looking at a picture book, but he babbles a lot so I won't really quote him until I hear it again. He didn't have the greatest weekend, and was pretty fussy during the days, especially in the early mornings. He didn't sleep well last night, again. I hope it's just another tooth coming in or something, but he's had one day each week where he wakes up every hour or two and has a hard time going back to sleep. Which brings me back to the beginning of this entry... I can't fall asleep right away, so the cycle is pretty much like this:

Go to bed at 9:30ish. Get distracted by TV or computer. Turn them off and close my eyes around 10:30ish. Toss. Turn. Start to drift off. Keaton wakes up and will not go back to sleep for ~30 minutes or more. Crawl back in bed after he's asleep, and start the toss/turn cycle again. Sometimes I get about 3-4 more hours of sleep before Keaton wakes up again.

This is how things have gone for a little while now, especially when he has a bad teething day or two. I think the 'swiss cheese-style' sleep is starting to affect my brain.

Well I think that's at least a portion of what's on my mind right now, so let's hope it's enough to let my brain rest for a bit. :) Here goes nothin'.

-Ash