Oh, roller coaster of life.

I sincerely hope this entry doesn't offend anyone, but I feel like it's a topic that not many people openly talk about, and maybe one that should be addressed and not so taboo. I don't have a medical degree, but I am about 99.9% sure that I am currently having a miscarriage. I have gone through this once before, but the last time I had only known I was pregnant for 4 days... this time, I have known since February 1st. That's enough time that we started to tell family and a few friends, and we went in last week for our first appointment. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, but they assured me not to worry- it happens all the time. After getting poked and prodded for awhile, they said we would schedule an ultrasound to make sure all was going well. Due to Casey's crazy work schedule last week, we made an appointment for a week later (today). All last week, I spotted a little- which is something that regularly happens after an exam. But Saturday morning, it was not normal at all, and it's only gotten worse. As I said, I've gone through this before, and unfortunately history seems to be repeating itself. To say that it's anything else would probably mean a miracle, at this point.

I know this is a very common thing, and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The part no one talks about, though, is how tough it can really be. It's not just the emotional attachment you may have to your unborn child, it's the physical things that go with it. Every time you go to the bathroom, there is a reminder of what is happening. You can't actually escape it, no matter how much you try. In some ways, it is like your own personal Hell. There is also the fact that many people find it tough and possibly awkward to talk to someone who is going through it. What do you say to someone, especially if you haven't experienced it personally? My advice is, just be as supportive as possible. You don't have to have the magic words to make someone feel better, because really, those probably don't exist. But knowing that people are there for support, or a meal, or even a hug, means so much. Not everyone is like me and feels like talking it out, that's just the way I tend to deal with things. Not everyone (or maybe anyone) would even blog about it, but I think it's important. I'm not doing it for attention, I'm doing it because someone, somewhere, may just want to know that what they are going through is normal, and they are not alone. It can be a confusing roller coaster of emotions. You may blame yourself or wonder if there is something you could have done to prevent it. You might be angry. You might be depressed. Hell, you might be all of the above. But you also may see, sometime down the road, that because of it another door was opened for you. I cling to that. We can't predict what is going to happen in life, we can only try our best to enjoy the journey and roll with it. Yes, I am sad today. Yes, I am dealing with all of the plans I made that will need to be changed. And yes, it sucks. But I/we are going to get through it, and probably be even stronger for it. I just need to get through today, and hope for a better tomorrow.

I have realized in all of this that I am also going to be more sensitive when I talk to other people about their family situation. I have been told numerous times that since Keaton is older now, it's time for 'the next one'. People joke about it or even ask you about it point blank. (The best is when a stranger says it... who are you, and why do you care if I have another kid anytime soon?) Before you ask or comment, step back for a second and think... maybe they are trying for another, and it just hasn't happened yet. Or maybe they aren't ready. Or maybe they don't even want another child, or aren't able to have one. What seems like an innocent comment can actually be a very sensitive one, and people don't seem to think about that. I know I'm going to start.

So, that's what's going on. If you are still reading this, I can only hope that it helped you in one way or another. As painful as it is to talk about and go through, it is a fact of life, and probably why they call the birth of a child a 'miracle'. I am so thankful for Keaton, and Casey, and all of the amazing family and friends that are so supportive of us, even if they don't know what's happening. I know that I'm not in this alone, and I know life has a way of working itself out. And with that, I can move forward.

-Ashley

*****
Just an update... It was indeed what we thought it was. It appears as though the baby stopped growing after 6 weeks. The downside is, not everything has come out yet, so we either wait for nature to take its course, or I go in for a D&C. Very tough decision and situation right now. I would prefer not to drag this out longer than it needs to be, I think that is what makes it all so difficult, because it's already been going on for four days now. I can't help but be ready to be off this ride and move on to whatever else life has to offer. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the support we've received... it really means a lot.