Update: Holy Emotions, Batman.

Goodness. Womanly hormones are almost evil. Because so many things are happening to my body right now (*see previous post*) I am an emotional wreck, and for pretty good reason. Today has been the worst day so far, emotionally, at least. I spent a large portion of the afternoon on the phone with doctors to schedule a D&C. I feel that for my sanity, and because I don't want to wait for what the doctor said could be "four to six weeks" for it to pass on its own, this may be the only real way to move on. Not everyone agrees with it, but I feel like it's the right decision. It is difficult to ask someone to wait around while there is something still inside that isn't alive anymore. Emotionally, that is probably the toughest part. So I am going in for outpatient surgery on Friday morning.

I don't think I'm really nervous about the surgery aspect of it. I mean, I hate needles, and the thought of actually being at a hospital and having surgery I guess isn't the most comforting thought. But really, my anxiety level rises when I think about the before and after part, because those are the things you carry with you after it's all over. I hate sitting in waiting rooms in the little gowns while you wait for what seems like an eternity for the doctor to arrive. My brain tends to think of tons of different (and probably irrational) situations that may happen. But really, I was most anxious about finding out that I might have to have a D&C, and those fears were confirmed. So now I'm on to the next step. I think about two things: That feeling when you first wake up in the morning, and for a moment you forget what is really going on. Sort of an "ignorance is bliss" kind of thing. Secondly, I think about the movie Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. It is strange, but the concept would be nice sometimes, wouldn't it? Erase the parts that you don't want to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Maybe it wouldn't be so nice, though. Because those are the parts that make us stronger. The number of lessons we would actually learn would be pretty small, one could assume. So yeah, scratch that. I don't want to remember a lot of details about it, but I guess I want to remember the parts that are going to move me forward. The trick is to convince that brain of mine not to play it over and over and over and over until it drives me crazy. Anyone know how to do that??

So, here we go. Decisions made, and hopefully the correct ones. I want to thank all of you out there who read my last post and sent so much love and support... really, you make this situation so much easier to bear. I don't know what I'd do without such an awesome support system around me.

Love,

Ash