Blah-ogging

Casey and I finally got to go on a 'date' yesterday... our neighbors babysat Keaton and we got to go see Inception. WHOA. Crazy movie. Very good, but I doubt I could give you a synopsis if you paid me. Although if you were going to pay me, I would certainly try. ;)

While it was nice to go out with my husband, I feel like I sabotage every outing we have together. I get myself worked up beforehand and worry about getting all the things done that I need to do in order to leave Keaton with someone else. On our anniversary, I managed to worry and distract myself pretty much the entire time, and could not talk about much other than Keaton. I guess Casey dodged that bullet yesterday since I didn't talk during the movie, but I'm not sure I could have done much better if I were able to talk. The point of having someone babysit is so we can spend time TOGETHER, something we don't get to do much of these days until Keaton goes to bed... at which point I normally collapse. I look forward to a time where I allow myself to actually relax and enjoy 'free' time again. Will that ever happen? I guess it will if I allow it to.

This blog is becoming more about my internal struggles lately. Not sure how great it is to put this out there into the world and have strangers reading about my insecurities... but I guess that's the risk you take when you blog. I've always been better at writing than speaking, so it's nice to have an outlet. Sometimes I wish I could just write my responses instead of talk. (Although anyone who knows me personally knows that I would probably lose my mind if I couldn't talk, too. I like words. A lot.) I think writing allows me that moment of pause I need to actually process what's going on, and then respond. I don't have that filter very often when I speak. This creates plenty of problems when I think I'm saying one thing and in fact it comes out as something totally different. I don't like coming across as a totally selfish, lazy person. Yet it happens. Blah. Og. (Haha... now I'm just entertaining myself. This is bad. But I think I found a title.)

Anyway, the point is that I am learning a lot more about myself, and the list is not really getting shorter on things I'd like to change. I often hear that I'm too hard on myself, and I'm starting to actually hear that now. I think I need to stop striving to be perfect, and realize that perfect is something I'm not sure if I really want to be anyway. I'll settle for imperfect if it means that I'm actually happy with myself and happy with life, and as long as I'm not making anyone else's life miserable.

That's more than enough for today. :)

-Ashley