Made it to 28

I don't actually have much to say, except we've reached the first major goal of 28 weeks! Thank you God for getting us to this point. Next goal is 30. Stay tuned.  :-)

Keatonism from tonight, to Grandma: "You taste like tomatoes...... I taste like Grandma." Haha....what??

More later!

Ash

PS: Here's a pic (or more, if the phone will let me) from today.

Christmas 2012

Today is Christmas, and I'm really thankful that I was able to spend it at home with my family. I know missing Keaton's reaction when he saw his gifts from Santa would have been a tough thing to deal with, not to mention all the amazing food my Mom and Casey fixed. This was such a strange year for all of us, but I'm glad everything worked out so well. I sincerely hope I can spend New Years Eve at home, too... It will really depend on tomorrow's doctors appointments. I have one with MFM at 9:30 am and another with my OB (assuming I'm not admitted to the hospital) at 3:45. If my cervix is the same or I'm not dilated, I'm assuming they'll send me home. I can't help but be nervous, as usual. On the bright side, I'm over 27 weeks now, and unless something crazy happens I could definitely make it past 28. Even if my water broke, there is a chance they could intervene in the right circumstances and hold delivery off at least a day or two. That's the scariest part about being home, though- I know the 20+ minute drive to the hospital could complicate things. Anyway, it's hard not to think of these things when you're on bed rest. I think too much, probably. Sometimes I freak myself out, then wake up in the morning and forget the anxiety I had the night before. Then I wonder if I'm getting too comfortable. Who knows. I think driving yourself a little nutty is probably common in my situation.

Again, I'm thankful to have had the most normal Christmas I could have in this situation. The family had been good about trying to accommodate me in events, which is nice. Laying down to do everything is tough sometimes, though. I haven't really mastered the art of eating while laying down, and I drop just about everything I reach for. I miss sitting at the table and not dropping food on my chest and neck. I also miss standing up to shower- I have to have a shower seat now. I feel kind of elderly sometimes, and can't do much for myself... Luckily I can still go to the bathroom and dress myself just fine (even if putting in socks can be tricky with this ever-expanding belly in front of me). So yeah... Tomorrow it's anther day, and another appointment. Hopefully I'll be able to update from home and not the hospital! I'll try too include some pictures from the last few days, if my phone will allow.

-Ash

Case of the Disappearing Cervix

Dear Cervix,

Please come baaaaaack!! I'm sorry if I ever offended you! Almost every week you get shorter, and now you are almost nonexistent. 0.4 mm is pretty darn short. That's not a short joke. I'm 5 feet tall, and the last person that would make fun of you for being short. Anyway, if there's any way you could just give me another chance, or just try to tough it out until the first of the year, I would really appreciate it. I'm counting on you, Cervix. I know you are in a hostile environment right now, and I'm sorry that jerk of a uterus is not the nicest neighbor. If you could get me through at least a few more weeks, I can promise to give you a break. It may even be a permanent vacation. Just hang on. You've done it before!! You can do this! WE can do this! You've just gotta hold it together. C'mon, lady. I'm on your team!

Love,

Ashley

*****
So... yeah. I had my appointment with the MFM doctors this morning, and saw what I didn't want to see... the cervix shortened from .8 to .4. Argh. BUT... it's not dilated. I went about a week, maybe more, dilated 4 cm with Keaton. I am holding out hope that she can hold it together for at least a few weeks- our main goal right now is 28 weeks, which would be New Year's Eve. I feel like a time bomb. But I'm happy they didn't admit me to the hospital again! I am taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time. It's all I can do.

I'd love to be in better spirits right now, I'm just having a hard time with all of this. My next appointment with MFM is on Wednesday, the day after Christmas. I have an appointment with my OB later that afternoon. Just get me to Christmas. Heck, just get me to tomorrow!

More later... I promise I'll cheer up again... just nervous.

-Ash

PS: The world didn't end today... Woot!

26+3, and thankful.

Ooooohhhh man. Hello anxiety! I am trying to keep it in check because I realize that the boys feel everything I feel, so when I get totally overwhelmed, I try to just breathe and enjoy being home while I can. Having to stay at the hospital after my last MFM appointment was very unexpected, even though I had prepared clothes and things ahead of time. There is a moment tomorrow that I'm really dreading, when they are checking my cervix and there is a moment of silence while they measure it. I really like the staff at the MFM office a lot, but I can't help but dread going there at this point. While it is easy to wish that this pregnancy had been as easy as with Keaton, I guess it makes me realize that, if everything pans out, this will be my last pregnancy. I will take whatever I get, and be happy that my little guys have been healthy and even ornery so far. I am glad they are doing well, despite the environment they have to endure. They are tough little dudes.

I have lost track of the days I've been home. They have been a big, happy blur. I think I get up less than I did at the hospital, because I am not being pumped with IV fluids, which makes my trips to the bathroom less frequent. I am sure to drink lots of water every day, and I have a system- each time I drink, I take (lucky number) seven big chugs of it.I average about 2 ounces or more per drink. My huge water jug from the hospital holds up to 30 oz, and I'm drinking about three of those each day. For my small body, I think it all pans out to the amount they want me to have. I don't know that I could handle much more at this point! I need to spike it with flavor, it's getting really boring! But every time I drink, I think about my babies, and how much they need it. So I'll keep chuggin'.

My favorite parts of being home... may be too many to count. I love seeing Keaton's face light up when he sees me, and the hugs and kisses I get whenever he's around. I love watching Curious George with him every morning. I love the big box of goodies Grandma Hetrick sent that I've been snacking on every day, and the loads of holiday cards we get in the mail. I love the care package my friends sent today with books, magazines, brain games, and cookies. I even love my stinky dog. My own bed. I love our shower equipped with a new shower chair (I feel a little old) and I LOVE the DVR and catching up on all the recorded TV I missed while in the hospital. I love the food I get to eat and the clothes I get to wear. Smelling coffee brewing even though I don't drink it. Surprises with bowls of ice cream. The big warm blanket that I wrap up in while laying on the couch. Not being attached to machines. Fading bruises from needle pricks. Feeling like it's actually Christmastime. Reading books to Keaton at night. So many things. I get emotional thinking about it, and although I know if I have to go back into the hospital tomorrow, it will only be temporary. I will try my best to be upbeat about it again. But part of me will know exactly what I'm missing while I'm there, and that will be hard since I didn't think I'd be home right now... I am trying to be realistic. I just want to stay home.

Alright, enough of that. Tomorrow at 11, we will know more. So until then, I will continue living in the moments here at home, and hope that I get more of them- especially next week for Christmas. Here goes nothing!!

-Ashley

Home Sweet Home

Today, a miracle occurred. My cervix measured the same as it did last week, and my 'instability' was stable enough that I got released from the hospital!!! I'm laying in the couch as I write this. I got the best welcome from Keaton...tons of hugs and kisses. He seemed so happy to see me...man was it awesome. It's been great being home. I go in for a check up at MFM on a Friday, so I have to be prepared that I'll have to stay again, but if I get even a few days at home it will be worth it. I was certain I'd be at the hospital until the boys were born. Now I'm taking it E-A-S-Y. Even easier than before. I have learned a different prospective through all of this, if nothing else. Cherish the little things- you never know when you'll be without them. I'm so very glad to be home.

More later!!!

Ash

26 weeks! Staying Positive.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Casey, Keaton, and Mom came in the morning, brought me donuts, and kept me company. Mr. K hasn’t been feeling well this week, so he was rather grumpy and didn’t want to sit with me. And because of all of the things going on around here- kids being shot and killed in their schools, me being away and just wanting to hold Keaton… this stung. I know he’s not quite 3 and he doesn’t understand what’s going on, but I also know that he didn’t want to be with me, and it made me sad. Crying session #1. He finally came around and then we cuddled for a while, which was just what I needed. I am not sure if he’s just scared about the environment I’m in, or just doesn’t feel well… who knows. But we made it work.

They left and I went in to use the bathroom, and when I came out I had a pleasant surprise- Mom had stayed behind to hang out with me! She spent most of the day here, which was really nice. She got to meet my amazing nurse Johanna, and all three of us cried together at one point as we talked about NICU babies, loss, and coping with it all. Johanna has been through all of it before, and she’s also got the medical point of view, so I think she may have been exactly who Mom and I needed for support. I miss her already… I have ‘grumpy nurse’ today (please know she’s really not that grumpy, but if you compare her to the others I’ve had, she’s less chatty). They are all nice so far. Last night I had Jean, who was the cutest little older lady nurse I’ve ever seen. They call her “Grandma Jean”. She was adorable. The boys gave her a hard time on the monitors again, and at one point the poor woman had both monitors wrapped around me, then had a big ball of Velcro to prop up one monitor, and tried using a roll of tape to prop up the monitor for Baby B as he tried to hide behind my ribcage. That hurt like HELL. Every time I would breathe in, the tape would dig into my ribs… and I was supposed to sit like that for an HOUR. Luckily the little guy decided to move down, and the tape torture only lasted about 3-5 minutes. They stayed still on the monitors for 15 minutes, then moved around and she had to come back in and readjust. Poor lady! I don’t even feel that sorry for myself in those types of situations, because I have no control over where the boys decide to hide out, and for how long. I just roll with it. Everything is temporary right now. Every time I am going through something that really sucks, or I am about to get super anxious, I try to put it in that perspective.

Perks of yesterday were the following: I got my IV off!! I’m on oral meds now, and so far those seem to be doing the trick. If I can behave myself, maybe I’ll get to be free of it for an extended period of time. Right now, every minute without it is a blessing. I only have to unhook the fetal monitor from the machine every time I have to go the  bathroom now, and not drag the IV stand with me every time. It’s a nice change. I also have freedom to move my arm around and not worry about snagging the line. I got a fresh change of clothes, another massage, got a lot of my Christmas cards addressed (thanks to Mom), and got to see Keaton and Casey again in the evening. Keaton was still pretty moody, but when he was happy, he was FULL OF IT. He said so many funny things last night, I think I had a contraction or two from laughing. (Literally… but that in itself makes me laugh.) Here are just a few of the things that were on Keaton’s mind last night:

“I think the babies names are Mickey Applejuice. And Deadmaus Applejuice Hetrick. Okay? Write that down.” He also decided that Happy (the fish)’s middle name should be Apple Juice. LOL…. And one random thing he said that made me laugh was, “This is hand sas-it-tizer?” Not sure what I would do without that little kid… he cracks me up on a regular basis.

SOOOOOO…. I just got my cervix checked. It luckily hasn’t changed from last week- we’re at .8 now. That is super short, but it’s still closed, and the fact that I’ve been through a ton of things in the last six days and it’s stayed the same is a very good thing!! I am so thankful for that right now. I know that anything could change at any given moment, but at this moment I am as stable. I want to laugh every time I think of being ‘stable’, too… because I’m constantly contracting and can’t leave the hospital, so it’s all relative. I am still waiting to see my MFM doctor today and see what they say, but I know that because my cervix has stayed the same, I am not expecting to hear drastically terrible news. I’m staying optimistic. There are moments when I’m totally thrown off and start to panic. Yesterday morning it hit me that I have to give birth at some point. I had this panic moment when I was in the bathroom and I looked in the mirror thought, “This is my reality. I am pregnant, with twins, and my body isn’t cooperating. And at some point I’m going to be in labor, and then there will be whatever happens with the NICU…” All of these thoughts happened at once. Talk about overwhelming. But then I get to step back and realize that, for now, I am still pregnant. For every day they stay in the womb, it’s three less days in the NICU (according to Grandma Jean). I’m at 26 weeks now. I don’t have an IV. I can change clothes and go to the bathroom by myself. My bed rest perspective may be one of the best I’ve ever had. I don’t want to sit here and be miserable. I don’t want to cry and cause a contraction. I just want to sit here, enjoy the little things that I am able to see and do, and be big and pregnant. I want to be pleasant with the nurses and doctors, and have so much more respect than I even did before for what they do. I may have a different attitude about that if they were mean, rude, etc- but so far they haven’t been. I feel blessed. I can even say that this experience has brought me, a person who has never been very religious, a lot closer to God. I can’t help but feel like there is a strong presence in my life right now, and I think even though I shy away from things that are super religious or preachy, I think that I am being protected right now, and there is a plan. So that’s enough of that. But that’s one reason why my spirits are high right now. (I know they are giving me a lot of meds, and I don’t think that ‘happy pills’ are in the mix, but you never know… I’ve been pretty high and low here, but mostly high. Not ‘high’. You know what I’m sayin’.)

Here’s a list, before I forget, of the meds I’ve had while I’ve been here… just for future reference:

Magnesium drip (Sucked!!!!!!)

Procardia (the thing that seems to keep my contractions in check the most)

Indocin (can’t take any more doses now… I’m at my limit for fear of problems for the boys. But it worked while I could take it!)

Ampicillin (for positive bacterial infection, same one that I had when in labor with Keaton- very common)

Progesterone, the lovely thing that is keeping me pregnant. It’s apparently the most common drug for pregnant moms in my condition, because your body is supposed to  produce a certain amount of progesterone when you are pregnant, and it helps the body remain that way and is supposed to reduce the chance of shedding the lining of your uterus. I *think* it’s also the thing that shows up when you pee on the stick to tell that you are pregnant. I am learning a lot here. I just hope that I’m conveying it correctly… I’m not in med school and don’t plan to be, so I’m sure I’m understating things that the different medicines do.. this is just my understanding of it all.

Blah blah blah… I feel like I can’t stop words from coming out right now. I know that’s what blogs are for… but dang. Sorry, guys. I lay here and just have so much going on in my mind and I can’t seem to get it all out. Is anyone still reading this? You’re a trooper. ;-)

On that note, I’ll stop for now. I will certainly have more to update later as I ride this crazy rollercoaster of hospital bed rest.

-Ash

"Hostile Uterus"

25 weeks, 5 days!

Things here are going much better than they were about 48 hours ago. After I got off of the Mag drip, things have improved a lot for me, mentally and physically. I really don’t like the Mag drip at all. It is basically used to control contractions and relax the uterus, but I still had contractions through it the entire time I was on it. They told me that my “hostile uterus” contracts normally every 2 to 15 minutes, without feeling much of anything. There are apparently many factors that go into this, but they think it’s because I’m such a petite person to begin with, my body is more sensitive to such things.  It was nothing that I did, and there is nothing I can really do- it may have even happened the whole time while I was pregnant with Keaton, but they never really checked my cervix because there was only one baby in there at the time. So, I’m learning a lot right now about my body, and how I have very little control over it. I guess in a way it puts me at ease, because it’s not like I was being too active or doing things to endanger the babies. Now I can just kick my feet up and relax as much as possible. There is still no sign that I’ll go into labor anytime soon, but you just never know. I’m almost as big as I was when I was 8 months pregnant with Keaton, so there’s no way to know how it will all pan out. I just need to make it to 28 or 29 weeks, and the risks go down considerably for the boys. I can do this!!

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself while I’m here: I can have contractions for all kinds of reasons… laughing, sneezing, anytime the boys move a lot, anytime I have to go to the bathroom, etc. Again, these are not the kind of contractions that may come to mind- there is no screaming or pain. In fact, I rarely know I’m even having one, and the main reason I can tell is because there is a fetal monitor strapped to my belly at all times, and it occasionally feels tighter. My back hurts a bit, but it always has- we don’t know if that’s because I’ve been contracting for weeks and weeks, or because of the added weight of my belly on my body. Who knows! It could be a combination. So yeah… that’s what life is apparently like inside my hostile uterus. Poor boys… it doesn’t sound like the most pleasant place to be! But I hope they stay in for another 3 weeks regardless.

I love the nurses here. Really, they are all so great- it almost makes me want to come back when all of this is said and done and give back to them in some way. My current nurse, Johanna, was a patient here and had twins at 25 weeks, 2.5 years ago. They are doing great now. Her water broke very early in the pregnancy, and she was here until she gave birth. It has been great getting to chat with her about everything, because she’s very realistic about my situation, but also very encouraging. She actually was pregnant with triplets, but one did not make it after her water broke. It’s been nice to hear her perspective about everything. I feel blessed by every one of my nurses… even the one that was a little grumpier than the rest was still very nice… haha.

I have actually been pretty pampered today. The Mag drip was so uncomfortable that I am becoming more thankful for any perks I get: massage, shower, my own pajamas, unrestricted diet, etc. I don’t have to page the nurse whenever I have to go to the bathroom. I can order free movies and play on the internet most of the day. I will probably miss certain parts of this after it’s all over, because I won’t get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep again anytime in the near future. Ambien has been my BFF at night, and I got such good sleep the past two nights that I didn’t even wake up to go to the bathroom, which is RARE. It caused some more intense contractions when I did wake up this morning, but they mellowed out as the morning went on. Overall, the consensus seems to be that I’m doing pretty well. I am thankful for every minute I have without the dreaded Mag drip. And if I need to go back on it, which is probably a reality since one of the meds I am on cannot be distributed again during this pregnancy after this round because of possible harmful side effects, then that’s what I’ll do. Until then, I’ll be happy with whatever I get. I’m really realizing the little things now and am grateful for all of them. This puts everything in perspective.

The boys both weigh over a pound now. They got some steroid shots when I was on the Mag drip, so I’m sure they are getting close to 1.5 pounds now. Monday is the big day… they are going to check my cervix again. I am nervous to find out what’s going on, because that could be the biggest deciding factor about when I go into labor. Even if I’m starting to dilate, and even if my water breaks, the can usually still hold off labor for a few days or more if they get to me early enough. I will most likely be here for Christmas this year, and although that sucks, I am trying to come to terms and be realistic about it. The party can come to me, I guess! We’ll see what happens.

Okay, that’s plenty for right now. I have very limited access to the Blogger website, so I have to write this in Word and then cut/paste so I can save my minutes. I’ll try to update again asap!

-Ash

Hospital stint #2

I don’t know that I can really recap everything that’s happened in the last 48 hours… or if I really want to. But here’s the basic idea: I went to my Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment on Tuesday afternoon and found out that while my cervix was measuring around 1.2 cm, it went down to around .8 if I had a contraction, which I (luckily) had during the exam. If they wouldn’t have seen that, I don’t know what would have happened. So I was admitted to the hospital right away. They ended up doing steroid shots to help mature the boys lungs just in case I went into labor anytime soon. From what I understand, they do that three times total. I got a two doses over the time I’ve been here, so I will get one more right before we deliver (which could still be months away at this point). They also started me on a magnesium drip to help calm my angry uterus, which was the absolute worst part of all of this. I felt like I had the flu- hot flashes, moments of nausea, tired to the point that I couldn’t even open my eyes and focus on things, or even talk ( and you know it’s bad if I can’t talk!!).  I had to use a bed pan, which meant every time I had to go to the bathroom, I had to page the nurse and have her help me. My pride went WAY out the window with that!! They are pumping me full of fluids and the little guys are stomping and punching my bladder, so I had to pee every hour on the hour. My awesome overnight nurse, Lisa, was super sweet and was always more than happy to help me. Thank goodness for her. Kim, the daytime nurse, is still very nice but not quite as warm as Lisa was. I’m going to be here into next week, so I’m sure I’ll learn lots of names around here. I digress. I got about 45 minutes of sleep over night, mainly because I would just settle in and then one of the many things I was hooked up to (inflatable tubes that went over my legs for circulation, BP cuff, IV and Mg drip, and fetal monitor) would start beeping for one reason or another. Or the boys would wake up and start kicking, which would cause a contraction or at least keep me awake. Or it would be time for me to take meds. On and on. Either way, I finally got another 45 minute stretch of time around 8 a.m. which made me feel better. I’m much more awake now because the meds are wearing off and I think it’s just lifting my spirits in general. I just hope I can keep this up. The boys are doing fine, and growing well- my belly button popped out since I’ve been here. I’m so glad they are growing. As usual, I just hope my body will comply! No clue what we are in for at this point, but if I can at least make it to week 28, that is my main goal right now. I’ve heard encouraging stories about babies born here at 24 and 25 weeks that have been perfectly healthy after a few months in the NICU, which is very reassuring. I think we are right where we need to be. I know that these little Hetrick boys are very strong already, and I have reason to believe that if they were to come out anytime in the very near future, they would fight like hell to stay alive. Before I forget: I got a negative result on the fFN (Fetal Fibronectin) test, which measures whether or not the body is preparing for labor. Scoring negative is good because that means that my body is not showing signs of that right now, so I’m very glad to have ‘failed’ that test. J I failed my first glucose test so I get to take another one in the next few days to find out if I have gestational diabetes or not. Anyway, things are going fairly well for being stuck in the hospital. My doctors are awesome, and I feel blessed that I’m still pregnant and in good hands. And I’ve had so much love and support from family and friends that it’s hard not to be encouraged by everything, not matter how many tests they run on me or how much I feel like human pin cushion. Totally worth it, and it’s only temporary. More soon!

-Ash

24 weeks: Home and Happy

I got to come home from the hospital fairly early on Friday morning, thank GOODNESS. The nurse told me to have a bag packed because if my condition gets worse at any future doctor's appointments, they will admit me again. If I have to go on hospital bed rest, I sincerely hope it's not until after Christmas. I want desperately to have as close to a normal Christmas at our house, especially since this is the first year we will be here instead of Kansas. I am taking this one day at a time, which is all I really can do.

De arrived on Sunday, so we have officially started the chapter of life where the grandmothers take over. Thank goodness for grandmothers!! I feel so guilty that anyone has to come in and take care of Keaton 98% of the time, then take care of me just about as much. (At least I can go to the bathroom by myself... Keaton is almost to that point, too!) But strict bed rest means showering every other day, only getting up to go to the bathroom, not lifting more than 10 lbs, and being horizontal as much as humanly possible. I learned at the hospital that anytime my bladder is full, or the boys move around a lot, I have a contraction. (Again, contraction at this point just means that my stomach gets tight for about 10 seconds and then relaxes again. No pain, so far.)

Monday was the first day of our 'new' schedule while Casey finally got to go back to work. Keaton did well, and was of course really excited to have Nana around, so his listening skills may have been a little less than stellar that day, I need to cut him some slack because he was just super excited. It is really tough to sit back and not be able to do anything. Something I'm struggling with is stepping back and realizing that I really can't do much just sitting on the couch and yelling. The lesson? I learn how to become less of a helicopter Mom. I need that lesson. I hover over that kid and worry about all kinds of things, and what better lesson to learn right before I have two more kids. So I'm thankful for having no choice but to step back and let Keaton be 2. I am thankful for another week at home (as long as nothing crazy happens). My doctor's appointment today found my cervix at 1.33 cm (it was 1.5 on Thursday) which is not as alarming as previous visits. The boys are growing quite a bit, and everything looks great with them- they have plenty of fluid and are sharing well, apparently. We got to see more of Baby B (Baby A decided to give him the spotlight, for once)- he opened his mouth, licked his lips, and yawned for us! De got to see them both and watch them wiggle around. I'm excited for my Mom to come next week and see the same. :) It is amazing to see how much they change from week to week. Now when they do a scan of their bodies, the babies are big enough that we can't see all of them in one shot. They are about 7 inches long now (estimate only) and weigh around 12-15 ounces. (Man, that's tiny! Stay in there, buddies!) But we are finally at week 24, so that is awesome. The goal now is 28 weeks. C'mon, cervix... we can do this!!

I go to my OB on Thursday. I'm interested to see how much weight I've gained (people that know me tend to think I'm big, while others think I'm 'tiny'. Who knows... I just know they are growing and that's all I care about!).

I think that's about enough for tonight. I'm planning to keep my butt glued to this couch and take it even easier than I have been, if possible. :)

-Ash