The Charley Chapter

This one's going to be as tough to read as it is to write.

Yesterday, Charley Brown's quality of life was just not where it should be. The poor guy had accidents all over the house, and didn't even have time to let us know he needed to go (which was unlike him). After awhile, he was going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, and he was starting to get dehydrated again. He wouldn't eat solid food anymore- we assume because his throat was sore where the lymph nodes were swelling again. For fear of seeing him the way he was Tuesday night, Casey and I decided that it would be best to end his suffering and ease his pain. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. He went peacefully and was surrounded by people that loved him. His regular vet, Dr. Tracy, came in on her day off just to be with us. We all sat on the floor with him, comforted him, and cried.

This house is so empty without him. Even recently when he wasn't moving around as much, he was still there. I could pet him and talk to him. I wondered what it would be like without him here, but because he was here, it was too easy not to fully grasp what that would be like. And now that he's gone... part of my heart is, too. I know I will heal, and I have a ton of amazing memories with him. I am so thankful he was a part of our lives. We were better people because of him. He taught us so many lessons in life- most of all that no matter how tough it is to let a pet go, it is worth all the pain just to have them in your lives for a short time. He was such a blessing and got me through some really tough times. He was always there to give you kisses and make you feel like the most important person on Earth.

Today is going to be tough, but I'm distracted with a bunch of errands and chores. I probably won't stay in the house very much today... it's just too hard. Luckily I am going home to Kansas this week, which couldn't be better timing, in my opinion. We will miss Casey while he's at a conference, but it will be nice to be distracted and home with my family.

I have so many more thoughts, but I don't have any more energy to write. I haven't gotten much sleep this week, so I should try now, if Mr. K allows it.

Looking up

Miraculously, Charley is doing so much better right now. At 5 this morning, Casey got up and checked on him. He was able to get up on his own, and drank some water. He started eating a ground meat product we purchased at Petsmart on Saturday (per Charley's request... he almost started chewing through the casing right there in the store!). He has gotten up to eat 3 times today. He just let me know he had to go outside to go to the bathroom. So things are looking up.

I realize things are probably not going to get a whole lot better from here, but seeing him up and around again is so much of a surprise that I feel like I've already seen just about as bad as it can get. I really thought I would wake up this morning and he would have passed away in his sleep, judging by the way he looked before we went to bed last night. What a week so far. I know we're not out of the woods yet, but I'm really thankful for the vet and all the fluids they gave him last night. If we get even a few more days with him, it will really be a blessing. The bottom line for me is that I don't want him to be in pain or suffer. So far he seems to be doing tons better... that's all I can ask for.

For those of you keeping up with the blog, I appreciate all the support you've shown, and I apologize for the way the blogs have gone lately... I feel like all I've written about are negative things. At the beginning of January I remember how bad things were getting- it was one of the worst weeks I've had in as long as I can remember. But knowing there are people out there reading this and supporting me no matter where I am on the roller coaster of life truly makes me happy, no matter how down I sound. Thank you all so much.

-Ash

(Sigh)...

Do you ever have a day that's so bad, you think at one point, "Okay, I'm done. I surrender. Let's try this again." That was yesterday for me. The morning started out bad, and the day got even worse. Luckily it wasn't all jammed together like the morning was, but the afternoon wasn't good.

Charley Brown is not doing well. By yesterday afternoon, he hadn't eaten anything, wouldn't take his meds, and kept getting sick in the house. I had an appointment at 5 (which went well- I did have plenty to talk about!) but while I was gone, Casey noticed that Charley had started shaking. When I called Case around 6, he had just called the vet and was going to take Charley in because he might have a fever, or may have been shaking from pain. His back legs weren't working quite the way they should, either. I made it home and we put the boys in the car and headed to Petsmart.

Our vet is a very optimistic lady, but we have a feeling she was trying to paint things a bit better than they really were. They gave him fluids because he was super dehydrated. He's lost 7 lbs since Saturday. She said if we got his meds in him (with the addition of a few more) and he didn't improve, we need to bring him back in today... probably for the last time. So we brought the guy home, and he still didn't eat. Casey had to crush up his meds and force feed them to him. He hasn't moved from his spot on the floor all night. The vet told us he should have to go to the bathroom a lot last night... he wouldn't even go outside. At this rate, this isn't even the dog I know. I hate to be a pessimist- in fact, I think I'm being more of a realist- but I think this might be the end. I am coming to terms with the very real possibility that this could be Charley's last day with us.

I am so happy we had such a great weekend with him. I'll update again later.

-Ashley

** On a brighter note, while Case was watching Keaton last night, he finally rolled over (back to tummy). :) I'm actually glad he did it for Casey because I was almost certain he'd do it and I wouldn't have the camera ready... Case was so good he got the last part of it on video.

Testing, Testing...

Here's my morning so far... someone is testing me, I think.

12:30 a.m.: Keaton wakes up and wants to eat. Slightly abnormal.
4:15 a.m.: Keaton wakes up again. When I crawl back in bed, I notice that the dog peed while sleeping at my feet. Soaked through to the mattress. Keaton was still awake and started getting upset, so I fed him again while Casey woke up about 30 minutes before his alarm was supposed to go off so he could clean up the mess. Dog gets sick. Keaton and I try to sleep on the couch since the bed is not in the best condition.
8:30 a.m.: Keaton wakes up. While changing his diaper, Keaton pees all over his pj's. Change his outfit. I hear Charley get sick again. Walk out to the kitchen to let him outside, step in puddles of water. Apparently he drank too much water and threw it up.
8:45 a.m.: Feeding a very squirmy little guy, when suddenly he goes #2, so much that I need to change his clothes again.
9:00 a.m.: Find out my in-laws are taking their Great Dane Chopper to the vet to be put to sleep. :(
9:15 a.m.: Keaton spits up all over the place. Dog will not take his meds. (Sigh).

This day is bound to get better. I have an appointment with a counselor tonight... I think it'll be a good day for it! I shouldn't have a shortage of things to talk about. :-/

Sorry for the negativity... I'll be fine. Just a bit overwhelmed by the morning so far and had to let it out.

-Ash

C'mon, Get Happy

An update for you... and a better one this time. :)

I went to the doctor on Friday. They gave me happy pills (Zoloft), and I've set up an appointment tomorrow evening to see a counselor to talk about all the things that are worrying me right now. I think if I have that outlet, and someone to guide me, I should feel better very soon. The pills have made me a little sleepy- so far that's the only real side effect.

We spoiled Charley on Saturday by taking him to see "his people" at Petsmart, and then later in the afternoon we went to Sonic and Two Bostons. Going to Sonic made me a little sad, just remembering the old days at USC when we'd go pick up food for dinner and take it to Casey in the lab. Charley would always get his share of the cheese tots, and occasionally his own hot dog. So a bit of the sadness came back last night thinking about CB. I tend to get sad in the evenings, especially after Keaton goes to bed. Poor Case. He's great, though, and just listens to what I'm worried/sad about, and helps me through it. Like I've said before, if I didn't have such an awesome support system, this would be much more difficult.

Yesterday was Casey's first Father's Day. I think he enjoyed his gifts- we got him a coffee cup with a collage of pictures of him with Keaton and Charley, some coffee and tea, a CD he's wanted for awhile, and a Dad frame. Then we went out to the Weber Grill last night in Lombard. I just finished the leftovers for lunch... DELISH. Especially the whipped sweet potatoes. I'm almost sad I ate them all, I could use some more!

I think the weekend went well, but of course it went way too fast. Keaton is starting to do all kinds of new things, including his attempts at sitting up by himself. While he's laying on the ground, he'll lift his head up and try to pull the rest of his body up on his own. He's got a way to go, but if you give him your fingers, he'll pull himself upright. He's starting to get ticked off if he is laying down longer than he would like. Funny little guy.

My favorite new Keaton thing is that he is laughing a lot more now! He is pretty ticklish, and I discovered by mistake the other day that if I 'chew' on his ribcage he will laugh and squeal louder and longer than he ever has. I even got him to stop being fussy by tickling him! He is proving to be a pretty happy little kid, which is wonderful. I know he'll probably be pretty serious, too, but when he laughs and smiles, his whole face lights up. It's the highlight of my day. :-D

I guess that's about it for now. Still waiting on the little dude to roll over. I will not rush it... he's just so close!! More later...

-Ash

Asking for help

I have never been good at asking for help. Ever. I struggle with letting down my pride and facing the fact that I am not Superwoman and never have been. I'm a little slow on the uptake when it comes to learning from past events, too. I make the same mistake over and over until I finally realize I am making myself miserable. Then add to the fact that I can talk and talk and talk, but when it comes to the really important things, the things that REALLY matter, I shut up. For once. This is something I'm really struggling with right now, and my poor husband is putting up with a lot.

I don't normally like to air dirty laundry on this blog, but something is definitely wrong with me when I can have a discussion with him for over an hour about listening and understanding, and then when the conversation is over I do exactly the opposite of what we just talked about, without even realizing I'm doing it. So much for listening and understanding.

I realize (finally) that although I have made attempts at fixing things, I am never consistent enough to stick with it, and I'm back where I started. I made an appointment on Friday to see my doctor and find out possible strategies for trying to get back to the person I used to be. I have a lot of work to do, and I have put this off long enough. I feel like I just need guidance because I'm sabotaging myself, and I don't want Keaton to learn my bad habits and grow up with an unstable mom. It almost seems like I'm at my lowest right now, right when Keaton is really starting to observe it all, and that scares me. I will do it for him, and for Casey who puts up with more than he should from me. I know it will be worth it, so I have to swallow my pride, face my fears, and really get to the bottom if this thing. Scary how things like this can sneak up on you.

So that's what's new in my world. I'm going to ask for help. Here goes nothing...

-Ash

4 month stats

This morning Keaton went in for his 4 month check up... here are the stats!
15 lbs, 7 oz (63rd percentile)
25.5 inches long (70th percentile)*** I was wrong, he is 72nd percentile! Bad Mommy for leaving out 2%!!)
Head is 16.5 inches (49th percentile)

He took the first shot really well, but the second one made him SCREAM! He quieted down shortly afterward, though, and now he's sleeping. I didn't even get him out of his carseat because he was so content. In the exam room I was playing with him before the doctor came in, and started making this buzzing noise, which was apparently hilarious in Baby Land because he was cracking up! He would belly laugh over and over. I took a mental note that it may be the only time today I see him smile, due to the shots, but hopefully I'll be wrong. Yesterday was a tough day, but Case came home a little early to help out, and held him for over an hour so I could rest. I couldn't sleep, though, but laying on the couch was nice for awhile.

Last night we put Keaton in the Johnny Jump Up that our neighbor let us borrow. He really seemed to like it, although I think he got frustrated because he would bounce himself backwards in a circle and then make little noises when he wasn't going the way he wanted to. He was super cute in it, though, and would bounce more when he saw Casey or Charley Brown. All the exercise made him a bit cranky and he fought going to sleep, in fact, we didn't actually get him to sleep until around 11. Then he slept through the whole night, and was sound asleep this morning at 5 when Casey's alarm went off. I totally freaked b/c I hadn't heard him yet, so I ran in only to see him sleeping soundly. He was fine. Apparently he tried to reach his binky at one point and tried scooting himself around, but got too tired to get it, so he gave up- with his foot hanging out of the crib...lol. He woke up to eat around 5:30, which is almost an hour and a half later than normal. I wish I would not freak myself out about that stuff... I wasn't sure what to do with myself, but I definitely couldn't go back to sleep after 5. It will be nice when I can calm down and not freak out about things like this... sleep is good! For all of us!

I guess that's about all for now. Glad things went well this morning, and hope the rest of the day goes the same!

-Ash

Confession.

It's taken me a bit of time to figure this out, and then to admit it, but I think I am going through a bit of Postpartum Depression. It didn't really hit me until this past week, but another friend mentioned it and the way she'd been feeling. I realized, after looking at my life a little more critically, that I've been fooling myself into thinking that everything is okay, and it's really not. I mean, it WILL be, but I think putting all the pieces together really made me step back and realize that I feel different, and not in a good way.

I'm tired all the time. I make excuses not to leave the house. I feel like I'm becoming someone that I really don't like. I don't have a filter anymore and feel like I offend people whenever I talk now. I feel selfish, lazy, and pretty much worthless sometimes. And some days I feel great and don't have a complaint in the world. Those are normally days when Keaton is really happy and smiley, because let's face it, it's tough not to be happy during those times. But I realize that I could do more, and I just don't. So I'd like to think that writing this and putting it out into the world will motivate me to do something about it. Casey and Keaton (and Charley, for that matter) don't deserve to have someone around that's like this. I'm either highly emotional and anxious, or emotionally checked out... there seems to be no happy medium.

Anxiety is something I have struggled with my entire life. I remember being terrified of storms as a kid, and scaring my classmates because I was so freaked out. I had to sit out in the hall once because I was nervous. I was always afraid something would happen to my family and I would be alone. Not really sure where that fear came from, but it was tough to get under control. (Now I love storms, go figure!)

In college, I started getting panic attacks, and was so nervous once that my face broke out in hives. Most of that stemmed from a Public Speaking class and a very intimidating couple of teachers. All of these things have been outside sources that I don't really have control over, but I let them take over my life somehow. I do the same thing now, especially with Keaton. I think of things that could happen to him, even if they aren't logical, and freak myself out. I am afraid something is going to happen to him. Casey tells me to worry about things that I can control. That's logical, and from what I can tell, a good bit of advice. It's just actually DOING it that's tough.

So I figured it would be best to blog about what's really been on my mind lately. When I feel like I have a ton on my mind but nothing to write about, it is normally because I'm worrying about something and letting it clog up my brain. I just want to say, for the record, that I know I will be okay, so I hope I haven't worried anyone (acknowledging that my parents are reading this right now). I have an awesome support system, and will do it because they deserve a fun and happy mom and wife as opposed to an anxiety-ridden, mopey person letting things get in the way. This Too Shall Pass.

-Ash

I miss my brain.

The start of another week. Actually, it technically started yesterday, but my parents and Casey left within about an hour of each other, and it was a pretty quiet day. I was exhausted yesterday for some reason, and the day is sort of a blur.

My parents' visit went fast, as usual. On Wednesday night we went out to dinner for their 49th wedding anniversary. This was after we spent almost 30 minutes trying to find my keys... I must have been completely out of it when I put them in a different part of the diaper bag than normal. And after calling Casey and getting a crash course in installing the car seat in my parents' car. And after feeling like a total jackass, which was compounded when I opened the diaper bag and actually found the stupid keys after all that time. Meanwhile, the bottle I had prepared for Keaton started leaking in the diaper bag- apparently I had put the wrong bottle parts together. The lid leaked, and we ended up having to throw all 5 oz of milk away. Any other nursing moms out there might know the pain I felt as I dumped the remainder down the drain... ouch. Anyway, he ate and was fine. Everything worked out, and we enjoyed a nice meal with my family.

Thursday morning, my parents and I took Keaton to Walmart so we could do some grocery shopping. Mom cooked and Dad did yard work most of the day while I got ready to go to work for a few hours to get reaquainted with everything before my first full day back on Sunday. More on that later. I came home to a great meal, and Keaton did well with his grandparents while I was gone. Friday we took him to Babie's R Us and the Carter's outlet near our house, and Grandma spoiled him with a ton of new clothes. He is now in the 3-6 month range, leaning more toward 6 months. He's a big guy!

Saturday we headed to downtown Chicago so my parents could get a feel for the city. It was much warmer than expected, so we stripped Keaton down to a onesie and let his little chunky legs get some air. He got to check out the "Bean" (Cloud Gate) in Millennium Park. He got to hear a really good drumline there as well. He also go to see his mom in Jackass mode again when I almost left our very expensive camera on a park bench in the middle of the park. Luckily no one took it, but I ran with Keaton in the Bjorn back to our table to get it... can I say again how glad I am that no one took the camera? Yikes. I am still embarrassed. Can anyone else out there back up the fact that Mom Brain is a real thing??? Please????

Sunday was my first day back to work in 6 months. It was nice to see everyone again and get back into work mode. That said, I'm glad I will only work a couple of days a month, because it was really hard to be away from my boys. The fam stopped by half-way through the day to bring me lunch and so I could see Keat for a few minutes. It made the rest of the day go by a little faster.

Keaton started doing a lot of things while my parents were in town. He tried rolling from his back to his tummy each day, and is still working on it, but we are VERY close. He also watched my Mom do Patty-Cake, and after a bit of observation, started putting his hands together whenever she would sing it! He keeps his hands in little fists, but puts them together like he's clapping. He did it again last night for Casey, too. :) Too cute! Sometimes he'll do it and get a little smile on his face, as if to say, "I did it!"

He sat in his high chair for the first time this weekend, too. I think he's getting very ready to eat solid food, because he loves watching people eat, and will open his mouth when I put a spoon or other object in front of it. We've let him taste different things so he can get used to the idea of various foods. Soon... very soon he'll sit in his high chair and have food all over the place. I still hope Charley's around to see that!! He will love it. :)

He's started scooting himself around more, too. Last night when I went in to check on him, he'd scooted himself 180 degrees in the crib. He pushs himself to the edge of his play mat every time he's on it now, normally to reach a toy. He will be mobile very soon! Ahhhhh!!! In general, he learned a lot while his grandparents were in town, and had tons of smiles for them in appreciation. :) With that, another weekend came to a close. Time to start another busy week.

-Ash

Little Fish

Yesterday was our neighborhood block party. Scratch that- it was basically our street and a few extra people, but we called it a 'block party' anyway. Well, the weather decided to play tricks on us, so when the shindig started at noon, the thunder and lightning basically did, too. We were all outside for awhile until it started getting worse and worse. The neighbors got a bouncy house but the kids obviously couldn't play in it during the storm, so everyone was a bit miserable. Case and I decided to move our cars out of the garage and have people hang out in there until it blew over. After almost an hour of standing around in our garage, we all gave up and decided to get the food we made for the party out and start eating. So basically the 'block party' ended up in our garage for about 2.5 hours until the storm stopped. Then it spilled out into our driveway, and basically our house was the central location for everything the rest of the day. It worked out great, and I'm actually thankful for it partcially because I could go inside whenever I needed something for Keaton, and Charley could be in and out of the house and still get to see all of the neighborhood kids. The only downside, besides being pretty embarrassed when people came in to use our bathroom b/c the house is a disaster, is that Casey really had intended on getting work done yesterday afternoon, and that really didn't get to happen. I will say, though, that he seemed to enjoy himself and maybe even relax a bit, even with all the work weighing on his mind. He put Keaton in the Bjorn and carried him around most of the afternoon. When the weather cleared up and after we'd all been hanging out for awhile in our driveway, our neighbor opened their heated pool and invited everyone over. Another neighbor lent us a swim diaper and rubber cover for Keaton, and he got to go swimming! He was so cute, kicking his feet in the water and taking it all in. I think the warm water and the bouncing motion we had going really wiped him out, because when we came home and he ate around 7:30, he was pretty much spent for the rest of the night. He woke up around 1:30 a.m. and I fed him again, then he slept until 6. I am really happy he got to swim, and that our second attempt was MUCH better than the first. I will post pictures soon.

This morning I got up and went for a walk with a neighbor and another new mom I met recently on the street behind us. We all three have boys, so we had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. Charley Brown was dragging his feet and stopped about every 30 seconds to go to the bathroom or sniff something, so I guess calling it a 'walk' probably isn't very accurate, but it was nice to get the boys out and get out of the house for a bit. I have a ton of things to do today, as my parents are headed our way tomorrow and should arrive in the early evening. I am pretty behind on laundry, and I am MILES behind on cleaning, so I'm going to make every attempt to get as much done today and tomorrow as I can. Keaton's taking one heck of a nap right now, and I'm taking a tiny break while I wait on one of the loads of laundry to finish. Not sure how this will all work when he wakes up, and I realize blogging when I should be doing other things is not really helping my cause right now, but after the walk and running around the house trying to get things accomplished, I decided a small break was in order. I guess that's about all for now... little dude should wake up any time now. :)

-Ash