Fears Confirmed

The oncologist confirmed our worst fears yesterday... Charley has gone from Stage 1 to Stage 3 Lymphoma in just 3 days. They could already feel the lymph nodes hardening in his groin yesterday. They explained our options, saying that even if we did the most aggressive chemo treatment, he probably wouldn't make it a full year. At this rate we will be lucky if he survives a few more months. So with very heavy hearts, we decided to give him a steriod treatment of Prednisone that will temporarily kill off the cancer cells, and will make him feel happy and healthy for at least a little bit longer. Eventually the cells will become immune to the drug and the cancer will come back, but if it works, we may have bought him a few more months... at least he'll not be in pain.

Now we are going to spoil him as much as we possibly can. I am taking Keaton to my neighbor's house this afternoon for a few hours so Chuck and I can go do fun things together. This will be Keaton's first time at a babysitter, but I am so distracted about the dog that I don't think I'll worry about him much. Plus, our neighbor has 4 girls of her own, so he will be in great hands.

My plan is to take Charley to his two favorite places today, get him treats, and let him see his people. I'm sure I'll break down as I have off and on the past 4 days, especially when I tell them the news. Sometimes I'm numb, then it will just hit me. I really wish I could talk about it without crying, but he means too much to me, and it hurts. No reason to hold back emotions at this point! I've had some really great moments with him the last few days. Early Tuesday morning I was out in the living room feeding Keaton, and when I went back to the bedroom, Charley was laying in my spot. I curled up next to him, between he and Casey, and we slept for a little while together. This morning I shared about a quarter of my bagel with CB, without regret. He laid on the bed next to me, drooling everywhere. I didn't care for once... the sheets can wash. He's been following me around more the last day or so, and he hasn't done that in awhile, so I am sure to talk to him and pet him whenever I don't have my hands full of baby. Okay, and sometimes even when I do. He seems to like to come in when I'm changing Keaton's diaper and lay on the floor in the nursery. I'm just glad he has enough energy right now to want to be where we are... you just never know how this will affect an animal. Luckily he's still the same great dog we've known for almost 6 years.

The hardest times are realizing that soon he won't be here anymore, and there are so many things around here that remind me of him... it is going to be so hard. Last night when Casey came back from running to get Charley and Keaton's meds, I said "Daddy's home!" (as I always do) to which Charley did his normal activity of jumping up and running to the door to greet him. I couldn't help but get sad. I also think about his little face at the window waiting for me when I go run an errand. So many times I've pulled up in the driveway and saw his face there, then saw him disappear when he realized that I was coming inside. A few times I would cuss because I would trip over him when I had my hands full, but he was always so happy to see me when I got back- it was hard to be mad at him. I could be gone for 5 minutes and he would always have the same reaction. I will miss how much his butt shakes when he's excited to see you. He definitely would have done well as a Walmart Greeter. :)

What a hard time in life right now. I am very lucky that even though yesterday was a highly emotional day for Casey and I, Keaton was SO good. He actually smiled and laughed almost all day yesterday, which was a blessing in many ways. It was a great distraction when we were sitting in the exam room at the oncologist, hearing all the bad news. It's almost like he knew we were sad, and he would laugh and smile to make us happy. I'm so thankful for that.

I'm also very thankful that we have this time with Charley. We are going to make the most of it.

Love,

Ash